Turning my Motherhood Over to God

I knew that the responsibility to mother these precious souls was not mine alone and that God would make up for my failings, just as He did on that horrifying day years ago.

Sometime around my fifth birthday, my family got together with many of our relatives for a canyon bike ride. We biked through a beautiful canyon near our home to a picnic spot in the mountains where we enjoyed dinner together. I was proud of my new ability to ride my bike without training wheels, but the terrain in the canyon and the little wheels on my bike made it slow-going for me. My dad sent the rest of the family ahead, my mom caring for my four siblings, while he stayed behind with me as we slowly but surely made our way along the trail.

My dad hung back a short distance, giving me independence and allowing me to set the pace. I tend to completely tune out my surroundings when I’m concentrating, and that characteristic was fully put into play as I focused on maintaining my balance and pedaling as fast as I could over the bumps on the path. So I was completely oblivious when my dad began urgently yelling, “Stop, Kaitlyn! STOP!!!” His cries were frantic as he raced to reach me in time. He could see what I could not. A few yards in front of me, coiled on the trail, lay a rattlesnake. And I was headed straight for it.

It must have happened in a matter of just a few seconds—his sighting of the snake, his shouts for me to stop, my continued pedaling, and finally the snake’s venomous strike. He reached me just after the snake slithered away and he was overcome with relief to see that I was completely unscathed, blissfully unaware of the problem–for the snake had hit my tire instead of my leg.

As he assessed the situation, he asked with a mixture of panic, frustration, and relief, “Why didn’t you stop?!?” I really have no memory of what happened between the time he asked that question and when we made it to our destination and enjoyed dinner with my family. I’m not sure my young mind could fully process the danger I had been in.

But now, over twenty years later with four children of my own, I think about that situation in my childhood and I cringe to think of how helpless my dad must have felt. I consider what it must have been like for my mom to hear what had happened and to know that she wouldn’t have been at my side if the snake’s strike had hit my leg and not the tire (in that pre-cell phone era, the scenario could have been very urgent). And I think about the many situations that exist in parenthood where we want desperately to take away a problem, but we simply cannot.

Whether we put a “bubble” around our children and try to protect them from anything bad that may come their way or give them unlimited freedom to explore to their hearts’ content or more likely hover somewhere between these two extremes, we will never be able to fully protect them. Whether we like it or not, situations often lie outside the parameters of our control and we all have weaknesses in our abilities to care for the needs of our children.

A verse in The Book of Mormon, Ether 12:27, states, “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” As I’ve stumbled along this path of motherhood, this scripture has been a powerful reminder to me that while my efforts are far from perfect, God’s grace is sufficient if I will but humble myself and come to Him for help. He will make up the difference every single day as I continually fall short!

Several years ago, I made a mistake that put the life of one of our children in danger. The crushing realization of what could have happened sent me into a dizzying tailspin of horrible trauma. Many were the nights I sobbed on my knees, pleading with Heavenly Father to help me never make a similar mistake again. I experienced a great deal of anxiety for years afterward. In particular, when I was alone and away from my children, my thoughts would begin to revisit that terrible day and fear and anxiety would well up within me until I could safely hold each of my children in my arms once again. I felt unbelievably insecure as a mother and I doubted my ability to properly care for my children.

One night, about two years later, I was having a particularly difficult time. I spent another long while on my knees, tearfully pleading with God before sleep finally overcame me. The next morning, I had an unusual experience.

I headed out to run some errands and got the children loaded into the car. I went to grab my keys out of my purse and discovered that they weren’t there. We had just flown back into town the previous day after visiting family, so I realized my keys were still in my carry-on backpack inside the house. I tried to re-enter the house to grab the keys and found that, somehow, one of the kids had twisted the lock in the doorknob on their way out– we were completely locked out. There we were. No keys and no cell phone, we were sitting in the garage of our rented duplex, which was located on a busy street with no sidewalk and very few neighbors. And we were locked out of our house. A pit was forming in my stomach as I ran to the law office next door and explained my predicament and asked if I could use their phone. I quickly called my husband to get the phone numbers of some friends from church. Eventually I got in contact with a kind woman who came and picked us up and took us to a friend’s house. We spent the remainder of the day there, waiting until my husband came home with his keys and could let us back into the house.

This may sound like a run-of-the-mill frustrating experience, but it actually left a big impression on me that changed my life forever. I felt that it was a direct answer to my prayerful pleadings the night before, because it showed me once again that there will always be circumstances outside of my control where mistakes are made or accidents happen when I have to accept that there is no way for me to entirely ensure the well-being of my children.

It was really, really hard to accept, but once I came to realize and accept that fact, I felt oddly liberated. It was as if a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders because I was trusting in God more fully and putting this daunting task of motherhood in His hands, knowing that “it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.” (2 Nephi 25:23, The Book of Mormon)

I knew that the responsibility to mother these precious souls was not mine alone and that God would make up for my failings, just as He did on that horrifying day years ago. I have been humbled as a mother time and time again as I see that my efforts simply are not enough, no matter how good my intentions. However, the amazing thing is that they don’t have to be enough. Heavenly Father is right there beside us, helping us and strengthening us and compensating for our failings in this daunting journey of motherhood. And trusting in God brings the greatest peace along the way. (See Proverbs 3:5-6, Bible.)

In the beautiful words of Jeffrey R. Holland, “Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are and better than you have ever been as you try to make honest effort, however feeble you may sometimes feel that to be…Like the woman who anonymously, meekly, perhaps even with hesitation and some embarrassment, fought her way through the crowd just to touch the hem of the Master’s garment, so Christ will say to the women who worry and wonder and sometimes weep over their responsibility as mothers, ‘Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.’ And it will make your children whole as well.” (Jeffrey R. Holland, April 1997, Because She Is a Mother)

I know Elder Holland’s words are true, and I have seen testimony of them in my life as I journey along this road of motherhood, praying fervently for God to make up for my many failings. I have felt His guiding Hand in my life, strengthening me and sustaining me when the task ahead seems too great.

Consider reading the rest of Jeffrey R. Holland’s powerful talk, “Because She Is a Mother,” and ponder the ways you have seen God’s hand in your mothering.