Offense

When we take responsibility for the choice to be offended or not, we are immediately empowered to act and feel independent of another’s words and actions.

Music has been a big part of my life from the beginning. My parents had a strong desire for their children to learn to play the piano, so they decided we would not be able to get a driver’s license until we were proficient at playing all of the hymns in our church hymnal. Although I drug my feet plenty in the early years, I soon grew to love music and I welcomed the opportunities to serve that came with the ability to play the piano. In college I learned to play the organ and subsequently was often asked to serve as an organist for our church congregations.

While I was certainly not a professional organist, I felt relatively confident in my ability to accompany basic congregational hymns. But shortly after moving to a new town, I was surprised as many well-meaning people openly expressed their opinions about how I should play the organ. I tried to accept their comments graciously, but I admit that my pride got in the way and it was hard for me to not feel badly. On one particular occasion, someone stopped me in the hall and rather unkindly ripped apart my organ playing and told me what a terrible job I had done on a musical number I had been asked to play that day.

I stood there like a deer in the headlights, repeatedly saying, “I’m sorry,” as the tirade was delivered. And then I hurried down to the hall to the Mother’s Room with my new baby where I sat and rocked him, trying not to cry and mentally recalling some messages about taking offense.

“To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else,” I repeated over and over as I rocked back and forth (David A. Bednar, October 2006, And Nothing Shall Offend Them).

I stared down at my sweet baby boy and remembered the story Dale G. Renlund shared about Julia and Thoba, a mother and daughter who were among the early black converts of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in South Africa. After the apartheid regime ended, black and white members of the Church began to attend church together, but the interaction between the races was new and challenging. On one occasion, Julia and Thoba felt they had been treated unkindly by some white members. As they left, Thoba vented her frustration to her mother. Julia listened calmly and then responded, “Oh, Thoba, the Church is like a big hospital, and we are all sick in our own way. We come to church to be helped” (Dale G. Renlund, April 2015, Latter-day Saints Keep on Trying).

Gradually my anger subsided, but I no longer felt confident in my organ playing. I tried to do my best without worrying what others thought, but although I had forgiven those who so freely gave me their unsolicited advice, it was difficult for me to move past the hurtful comments. It was one experience of many that highlighted my need to learn to not be offended, so I embarked on a journey to overcome my tendency to easily take offense. While it is something I am still working at, I have learned a few helpful lessons:

1-Take Responsibility

            “One of the greatest indicators of our own spiritual maturity is revealed in how we respond to the weaknesses, the inexperience, and the potentially offensive actions of others. A thing, an event, or an expression may be offensive, but you and I can choose not to be offended,” David A. Bednar also stated (David A. Bednar, October 2006, And Nothing Shall Offend Them). When we take responsibility for the choice to be offended or not, we are immediately empowered to act and feel independent of another’s words and actions. Such a responsibility is not a burden, but is rather a gift that enables us to focus on the Savior’s view of us and love others without restraint.

2-Recognize and Embrace Diverse Opinions

            One of Aesop’s fables tells the story of a man and his son, going to the market with their donkey. They were walking alongside the donkey when a countryman passed and said, “You fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?” So the man put the boy on the donkey and they continued on.

As they passed a group of men, one of them said, “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.” The man ordered his boy to get off the donkey and then got on himself.

But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other, “Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.” The man didn’t know what to do, but finally he put the boy up on the donkey with him.

By the time they reached the town, people began to jeer and scoff at them. “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours?” they asked. The man and the boy got off and, after thinking for a time, cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders.

They walked along amidst the laughter of all who saw them until they came to a bridge. The donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the boy to drop his end of the pole. In the struggle, the donkey fell over the bridge and was drowned. Aesop’s moral is, “Try to please everyone, and you will please no one.”

We can benefit greatly from recognizing that there are many opinions in the world and there is no possible way for us to please everyone. The best we can do is look to the Savior, try to do what God would have us do, and love others as they may disagree with us. As we strive to worry less about others’ opinions of us, we can simultaneously stop criticizing others.

3-Take Action

I recently discovered a simple question that has helped me move past much of my tendency to take offense. When I feel badly about something another person says or does, I ask myself, “Did I do something wrong?” If the answer is yes, I work to repent and make amends with that person. If the answer is no, I work to forgive the person and pray for Christlike love toward them. It is a quick, straightforward approach that has helped me stop acting like a kicked puppy every time someone says something unkind and instead proactively show forth love and forgiveness.

My husband and I also found it helpful to teach our children a simple statement that we can say together when feelings are hurt: “I am a child of God. My worth is not dependent upon the words or actions of someone else, but is a result of my divine nature. I can choose to forgive and remember my infinite worth.”

4-Remember the Savior

            The Savior was not well-liked among the people who surrounded Him. In Isaiah 53:3 we read, “He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief.” He was constantly mocked, criticized, and rejected, and ultimately was crucified by the very souls He had come to save. As the prophet Joseph Smith was suffering the atrocities of Liberty Jail, he received the revelation contained in Doctrine and Covenants 121-122. Section 122 verse 8 reads, “The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?”

We too can respond to unkindness by asking ourselves, “Art thou greater than He?” Each painful experience we encounter on the path of life helps us to draw closer to the Savior and become more like Him. As we learn to stop taking offense, we are able to grow in charity, which “suffereth long,” and “is not easily provoked” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5, Moroni 7:45).

Are you carrying hurt around from a previous offense? How can you take action to no longer be negatively affected by that incident?

Please share your thoughts and experiences below!