What I Learned About God on the Road to Pocatello

I believe a big part of my suffering was to allow me to reach people I wouldn’t have been able to reach had I not gone through it. There are people that need us because of what we’ve been through – we have a special kind of capacity to comfort because of our experiences. And God knows that and brings those people to us if we are willing.

My senior year of high school I was in an advanced English class where we were asked to write some of our life goals. One of my goals was to complete an Ironman. At the end of that year I began to get quite sick, and within months of graduating I found myself sitting across from a doctor with my mom at my side as the doctor told her my future was a wheelchair and a feeding tube. Not allowing that to be the final answer, we found a clinic in Pocatello, ID that was not only able to diagnose me, but also fill me with something that I had become so depleted of—hope. 

It was a three-hour drive to Pocatello from my house and initially I needed treatment twice a week. That’s a significant amount of time in the car. During those hours I learned a lot about myself, and a lot about God.

His love is not conditional, and mine shouldn’t be either.

Elder Uchtdorf, an apostle for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, once said, “Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God’s love encompasses us completely. He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken.” (The Love of God, Oct 2009)

My world was rocked as a girl graduating from high school with an unknown illness that was wreaking havoc on my body. I spent my waking hours at doctors appointments and the rest of the time in bed. I lost friends, lacked self-esteem, and had moments of depression and anxiety when healing was slow or felt nonexistent. Even at my worst – physically and mentally and emotionally – God loved me. One of the most frequent questions I was asked was, “Aren’t you mad? You’re not able to run or go to college or live a normal life. Aren’t you mad at God?”  But how could I be? His love wasn’t conditional on my healing, my attitude, my life circumstances or the status of my faith. Mine shouldn’t be conditional either.  

He is generous with His miracles

In the most recent General Conference, Elder McKay said, “His time, and frequently His timing, is different from ours. Patience is key. Without it, we can neither develop nor demonstrate faith in God unto life and salvation. But my message today is that, even while we are patiently waiting upon the Lord, there are certain blessings that come to us immediately.” (The Immediate Goodness of God, April 2019) 

I was told at 19 that I’d never be able to have children – my body could never physically bear a child. Now, every morning I wake up to two miracles smiling at me (or sometimes crying at me #reallife). While my two boys are big miracles that I prayed earnestly for – there were hundreds of small miracles along the way that I also hold sacred in my heart. Those little ones can easily go unnoticed when we’re just waiting for that big one, sometimes not realizing that those big ones are constructed of small and simple miracles that combine to make a big one. And occasionally the big one never comes. But along the way God is full of immediate goodness that He is so generously giving us.

He is purposeful

In a BYU speech given by Elder F. Enzio Busche he talks about becoming a true disciple of Christ, even during trials: “When you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better.” (Unleashing the Dormant Spirit, May 1996) 

I find so much peace in knowing that He has a plan for me. And especially when I was struggling through the thick of darkness and pain – I would find glimpses of peace and hope when I was reminded that there was purpose in it. Did I know the purpose? No. And I’m not sure I fully understand it even today. But one of the most healing parts of my journey has been sharing my story with people that need hope too. They are physically or mentally in a space that seems to have no answers or help. In 2 Corinthians 1:4 it says: “Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.” I believe a big part of my suffering was to allow me to reach people I wouldn’t have been able to reach had I not gone through it. There are people that need us because of what we’ve been through – we have a special kind of capacity to comfort because of our experiences. And God knows that and brings those people to us if we are willing.

He desires to communicate with us.

I had regular appointments with various doctors and practitioners. In them we would go over every detail of my healing, setbacks, symptoms and prognosis. I learned the importance of being clear in my communication with them in order to get the best help. I quickly recognized though that the only person that could truly heal me was my Father in Heaven, so I needed to have regular and detailed communication with him. I found myself in tears on my knees one night, confused and frustrated at the lack of progress we were seeing with my treatments. As I sat there asking why I wasn’t getting the healing I and so many others were praying for, I had a very clear thought come to my mind: “Trisha, now is not the time to pray for healing. It is just time to pray for strength to continue forward.” In Romans 8:26 it says, “…for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.” Elder Bruce R. McConkie explained that the Holy Ghost “gives direction to the faithful, causing them to know and speak the mind and will of the Lord. Perfect prayers are always inspired by the Spirit, and they are always answered, because the Spirit knows beforehand ‘what ye should pray for’.” (Doctrinal New Testament Commentary, 2:266) 

His goal is joy.

In 2 Corinthians 4:17 it reads: “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.” A far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory – isn’t that what we all want? Eternal glory with our Heavenly Father! I loved Sister Reeves talk in October 2015 General Conference. In it she said, “Sisters, I do not know why we have the many trials that we have, but it is my personal feeling that the reward is so great, so eternal and everlasting, so joyful and beyond our understanding that in that day of reward, we may feel to say to our merciful, loving Father, “Was that all that was required?”” (Worthy of Our Promised Blessings, Oct 2015) Not only does God want us to have joy, He also provides trials for us to teach us more about what that true joy feels like. 

I was a year into my sickness and still without any diagnosis. I walked into a treatment room in a clinic to find a very frail woman singing songs about sunshine and happiness while talking about the beauty of the mountains on her drive to the clinic that morning. I was perplexed – this woman who was clearly so ill was so full of joy. Just weeks later I was diagnosed with the same thing she had. I don’t know her name, but it is her face that comes to mind when my heart gets heavy with disappointment or my eyes struggle to see the good in whatever my circumstance.

President James E. Faust said, “If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet. There is divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless us.” (The Refiners Fire, April 1979)

God is aware of us. He loves us. And His goodness exceeds anything we can comprehend.

What have you learned about God as you have experienced great suffering and hardship?

What divine purpose have you found in the adversities you have encountered? 

Please share your thoughts or experience below!