Peace Amid the Perplexing

At some point, each of us will have cause to ask, “Why?” Why must I experience this difficult trial? Why doesn’t the Lord grant my righteous desire? Is peace possible when the heavens are silent and answers do not come?

It was time to put on a party hat and throw confetti! The moment had finally arrived! My preparation to this point had included conducting hours of painstaking research, switching my major twice, experiencing a range of employment opportunities, and job-shadowing professionals in diverse fields. Finally, I had decided on a career–Occupational Therapy. Upon deciding, I prayed to seek confirmation that this was right. I received a clear answer from the Lord that the choice was mine but that He would support my decision.

Upon graduating with my Bachelor’s degree, I continued working towards graduate school. My preparation included completing a year of challenging prerequisites, studying countless hours for the GRE, surviving that mind-numbing exam, scrutinizing every detail of the application, and sweating my way through the interview. Shortly thereafter, I received an acceptance letter! I would begin fall semester at the University of Utah. I was overjoyed and deeply humbled that the Lord had blessed me with this opportunity.

Shortly after being accepted, I married my wonderful husband, Clark. He was between his first and second year of the MBA program at BYU. Three weeks later, we moved to central Pennsylvania for the summer where Clark interned with the Hershey Company in a marketing role.

At the end of the summer, Clark received a job offer to return for full time work upon graduation the following year. We were thrilled! The offer was what we had prayed, worked, and hoped to receive. However, we were cautiously excited as we faced a difficult decision. Because of the timing of our programs, I would have two years of school remaining when Clark graduated. Accepting the offer would mean I couldn’t finish but staying in Utah would mean fewer opportunities for him.

Throughout fall semester, we sought heavenly direction–offering many prayers, fasting, and regularly visiting the temple. Months went by and we continued to struggle with the decision. Just days before the deadline to accept Hershey’s job offer, I received a clear impression in the temple. We needed to accept the job with The Hershey Company. Clark reluctantly agreed; he was disappointed that I couldn’t complete my program but believed it was right.

I wanted to be full of faith, but I was devastated. The sadness was overwhelming and, at times, completely consuming. It was so hard to walk away from something I had been so sure about. What added more to the sting was there were no OT programs near Hershey I could pursue.

I continually reminded myself of the peace that came in the temple. But one thing I could not understand was why I felt inspired to start the program in the first place. If I wasn’t going to finish, why even begin? This confusion led to an unsettled feeling that would return repeatedly over the next couple years. As time passed, the pain lessened, but it did not fade completely.

Several months later, additional promptings came, and Clark and I felt it was time to grow our family. The thought of being a mother gave me a renewed sense of hope and purpose. I had always known that, above all else, I wanted to be a mother. We started trying for a baby. But month after month, pregnancy tests proved negative. I became disheartened. Over time, disheartenment turned to discouragement and even to despair.

After a year, we sought out an infertility specialist. Several months of testing and medications brought no clear answers, and the doctor even had some doubt whether I would be able to get pregnant. Although the analysis was inconclusive, the news was devastating.

I wanted to say, like Christ, ‘not as I will, but as thou wilt,’ but I had more questions than answers. Why had we felt strongly to have a child but could not get pregnant? Why was I stuck each time I tried to progress? What was the purpose behind it?

I believe each person, in his or her own situation, will come to moments in life and have cause to ask, “Why?”. Perhaps there are unwanted trials we pray will end or blessings we seek that seem ungranted. We may petition the Lord only to find that the heavens are silent. The questions only compound when our desires are righteous, yet are not met in the way or timing we would like.

 

Learnings from Job

At this time of life, I began to study the book of Job. In the very first verse of Job, Job is described as “perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil.” He was faithful and obedient in all things, yet the Lord allowed Satan to test him. In one day, Job lost all his wealth and temporal possessions. Even his children were destroyed.

Job’s submissive response to the devastation was, “Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord” (1:21).

Next, Satan inflicted his body with painful boils. Upon seeing her husband’s agony, Job’s wife urged him to “curse God and die” (2:9), but Job did not waiver. His face became so disfigured that his friends could not recognize him. Formerly a man of great status and influence, Job now sought refuge outside the city among the outcasts and the lepers.

Job also lost the support of friends and kin. Certainly in a time such as this, one could use the love and comfort of a friend. Instead, they questioned him repeatedly, concluding that God was punishing him for unrepented sins. When Job rightfully stated he was clean before the Lord, his friends only further accused him of self-righteousness and pride. Job called upon the Lord for comfort and explanation, but a response from heaven was withheld.

Job had lost nearly everything–his wealth, his family, his health, the support of friends, and, ultimately, the comfort only the Lord Himself can provide. Job had great cause to ask, “Why?” Why, when he was doing everything right, did everything go wrong? Why were sincere prayers seemingly unanswered? Why did it seem that even the Lord had forsaken him?

When this fiery trial of faith ended, the Lord spoke to Job, asking provoking questions that in my own personal moment became questions the Lord had crafted for me. The Lord pressed Job to explain why he was asking, “Why?” He reminded Job of His power, goodness, and ultimate concern over all the inhabitants of the earth. Then the Lord asked, “Shall he that contendeth with the Almighty instruct him? He that reproveth God, let him answer it” (40:2). The Lord continued, “Wilt thou also disannual my judgement? wilt thou condemn me, that thou mayest be righteous?” (40:8). Job realized he had needlessly questioned his perfect Father when he should have had complete trust. He repented and praised God, no longer needing an explanation for his faith was made perfect.

Harold B. Lee taught: ‘It is not the function of religion to answer all questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give courage (through faith) to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status. Therefore, take heed of yourselves, and as a wise world thinker once said, “If the time comes when you feel you can no longer hold to your faith, then hold to it anyway. You cannot go into tomorrow’s uncertainty and dangers without faith (Keith H. Meservy, Job: ‘Yet Will I Trust in Him,’” pp.139–53).

Job’s lessons became my lessons. Peace need not wait for an explanation. Peace, instead, could be mine simply through increased trust in my loving Heavenly Father. This newfound confidence in God allowed me to at last let go of the questions I had been wrestling with for two years. The feeling was liberating.

 

All Will Be Made Known….Eventually

God has promised to make all things known eventually. The Doctrine and Covenants tells us, “…in that day when the Lord shall come, he shall reveal all things—Things which have passed, and hidden things which no man knew, things of the earth, by which it was made, and the purpose and the end thereof—” (101:32-33). Dieter F. Uchtdorf wisely observed, “Looking back, we will recognize that there is a divine pattern, that the dots really connect.”

Until that time, we can come to a knowledge that God is our perfect Father and is interested in our complete development. He knows our potential better than we do. Our faith in His loving omniscience can allow us to fully trust His calculated methods, particularly when we are without divine explanation.

I have not yet had the opportunity to finish graduate school, but mercifully, after nearly two years, the Lord granted us a child. I became pregnant the month we paused infertility treatment and, remarkably, the month after the doctor expressed concern over whether I’d be able to have children. We consider him a miracle.

Perhaps someday I will return to school. Though I do not know what the future holds, I know that for now He has led us here. More importantly, I know the Lord a little bit better because these experiences tested the limits of my faith.

I still don’t understand why things did or didn’t happen, but I no longer need to. I found peace where there once were questions–not because answers were supplied but because I learned to trust the Lord’s dealings with me regardless of my circumstance.

 

Invitation: Next time you want to ask, “Why?,” consider instead the evidence of God’s love in your life. How can these proofs sustain your trust in Him and the way He is working with you?