As the scriptures teach, truth is a knowledge of things as they really are, and as they are to come. It was made clear to me that I’d been operating for some time under a false belief. This misconception had robbed me of potential joy and strengthened faith… should I continue under this erroneous thinking, I would remain stuck, creating a barrier… between myself and the love and blessings God wanted for me to enjoy.
Most of the time during my Sunday church meeting, I’m too distracted to hear much of what the speakers are saying, since I’m trying to keep my seven children quiet and content through the hour-long service. But this particular Sabbath day, I happened to be in the mother’s room with my nursing infant. I had the room to myself and could hear the meeting’s proceedings loud and clear through the room’s sound speakers.
The talks were about foster care. Initially, I thought this seemed a rather narrow topic, and one with which I had no personal experience. But I soon felt the Spirit enlighten me with the realization that, in the truest sense, we are all foster parents, entrusted with certain of God’s spirit children for a relatively short time while here on earth. The speaker shared advice given from an experienced foster parent speaking to prospective volunteers. He said, “You will receive these children, many of them with severe problems. Your job is not to fix them, but to love them.”
I was impressed with the deep and applicable truth of that statement. For isn’t this the same mandate given to every parent? Not to fix, but simply to love.
The speaker went on to quote scriptures emphasizing the need for us to utilize our own free will to do good, rather than waiting on direct commands. Doctrine & Covenants 58:26, 29: “For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward. . . He that doeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with doubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is damned.”
Listening there in the privacy of that quiet room, I had a sudden revelation. I was startled to see how accurately these words described me in many of my parenting efforts! While I aimed to be a blessing in the lives of my children and husband, I was beginning to recognize a tendency in myself to hold back rather than act in faith.
This is the way it would often play out in my life: I’d be blessed with opportunities or inspiration of some kind, leading to a flurry of good ideas for improvements to make. But always, doubt would creep in and cause me to hesitate. Unless I had heard the counsel explicitly stated over the pulpit, I often ended up talking myself out of following through with any of my wonderful ideas.
You see somehow, I had gotten it into my head that there would only ever be one right decision for any scenario that I might encounter, and unless I could discover that one, I would end up being penalized for whichever choice I did make. It was as though God held the answer key to the test of my life on an official, heavenly clipboard and, with a red marker in hand, sat poised to strike through any and all incorrect choices. (For a deeper explanation of this misconception, see the article “You’re Not Messing Up God’s Plan for You”).
This kind of inflexible thinking had a paralyzing effect on me. As mother to a large family, the self-imposed stress of identifying the single best answer for every option soon wore me out. Where I had started out as hopeful, even exhilarated at the prospect of so many good ideas, I would analyze them through the lens of doubt until each finally shriveled under such relentless scrutiny. Eventually, many opportunities to do good passed me by in this way.
Pondering on this weakness now, I could plainly see how it was indeed damning my progress. Believing that I’d be punished for not choosing the best possible option kept me stuck. It prevented me from accepting blessings, even when my Heavenly Father was eager to bestow them. I recalled a few times when I had displayed courage and actually followed through with some inspiration in spite of my doubts. I realized that in those instances, I had received a spiritual confirmation that I’d done something right. I had felt that the Lord was pleased with me. But instead of being encouraged by that feeling, I’d actually felt confused by it! It didn’t match up with this false belief I was still clinging to. How could God be pleased with me when I was still imperfect? How could I feel His love while I was still so far from being worthy of it? Reflecting on it, I could now see what was really happening. Just as the scriptures teach, truth is a knowledge of things as they really are, and as they are to come (see Jacob 4:13; Doctrine & Covenants 93:24). It was made clear to me that I’d been operating for some time under a false belief. This misconception had robbed me of potential joy and strengthened faith. I could see too, that should I continue under this erroneous thinking, I would remain stuck, creating a barrier (or damn, if you will) between myself and the love and blessings God wanted for me to enjoy.
I felt a surge of relief, even elation at finally being able to understand! However, this was quickly followed by a wave of regret and feeling of inadequacy. I thought to myself, “Whoa. I’m not as good at this parenting thing as I thought.” But immediately on the heels of this thought came another whisper from the Spirit:
“That’s why I gave you Grace.”
In the solitude of that little room, rocking in a faded green armchair with my seventh baby in my arms, tears began to flow. These words did not just signify a loving pat on the back or friendly reminder for me. This was direct, personal revelation — evidence of a Heavenly Parent who was intimately acquainted with, and eager to help, His precious daughter.
You see, I’ve been at this parenting business for a while now. My oldest who was born prematurely, is now a beautiful teenage girl. She’s the one who’s had to deal the longest with my motherly failures and shortcomings. She’s had to weather the most of these sometimes stormy seas, as her father and I figure things out along the way. She was given to us first.
And her name is Grace.
How grateful I am that God in His wisdom and mercy has not waited for me to attain some lofty position or transcendent knowledge before granting me the gift of His Grace. I’m amazed and relieved that He gave –and gives me — Grace first.
Invitation: Perhaps you too are laboring unknowingly under the burden of some false belief. Can you allow the Spirit to enlighten your understanding in order to see your situation more clearly through the lens of truth? What might be revealed to you as the scales of darkness are taken from your eyes? (2 Nephi 30:6) Identify any areas of your life where you may feel stuck, and see if there are faulty beliefs or negative patterns of thinking that may be contributing to this inability to progress.
Edited by Dani Davis
Photo by Enis Yavuz on Unsplash
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