The knowledge we have of our Savior is not supposed to take away the feelings of grief, but he is there to help us feel peace and love DESPITE our grief and heartache! Our Savior is there to wrap his arms around us during our deepest, darkest times, and literally help carry those burdens we face.
February 13, 2012 is a day that will forever live in my mind. The previous two and a half months we had cared endlessly for our sweet baby, Joshua, who was born with a very complicated combination of congenital heart defects. He had spent over half of his 75 days of life in the hospital, endured a major 10-hour open heart surgery, and was finally home for what seemed like some good recovery time. However, sometime during the night, he had peacefully and unexpectedly passed away in his sleep. I found myself in the middle of every mother’s nightmare…I had to bury my baby.
In the days to come, we were blessed to be surrounded by people who loved us more than we could have ever imagined! There was so much support and strength given by our family, neighbors, friends, co-workers, and even complete strangers who had heard our story. However, there were still many times when I felt alone, and it was during these times that I would feel the grief hit me the strongest. No one, I thought, knew what I was going through. No one held my son as often as I did, so no one could possibly feel the aching I felt from not having him in my arms. No one spent as much time caring for him, so no one could possibly understand the void of time that I suddenly had to fill with seemingly insignificant things. No one else was his mother, so no one else could possibly imagine what my life was like now that he was gone.
My husband and I found ourselves turning to the only places we could find any sort of peace: on our knees in prayer and in our scriptures. However, I was comforted by messages that may seem a little strange.
It may seem a little strange, but I found very little comfort in people telling me how wonderful it was that I knew Joshua was with Jesus in Heaven. I knew that SOMEDAY this truth I grew up knowing would bring me peace; however, in the immediate months following his passing, I wanted him back with me. The amount of time I knew that would have to pass before I could see him again seemed like an eternity and honestly, I didn’t want to think about it. I wanted my son back now…and I was devastated that it couldn’t happen.
It was during these difficult months that I heard a talk given by a leader of the LDS church, Elder Shayne M. Bowen. In his talk, he gives a very candid account of his experience losing his little 8 month old son in a tragic accident. He talks about how debilitating the grief was for a while, and that even with the knowledge of an afterlife, he still could not get rid of the pain. Then, at the end, he testifies:
“Remember as you attended the funeral of your loved one the feelings in your heart as you drove away from the cemetery and looked back to see that solitary casket—wondering if your heart would break.
I testify that because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy. I testify that we can depend on Him and when He said: ‘I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.’”
I found so much comfort in this! The knowledge we have of our Savior is not supposed to take away the feelings of grief, but he is there to help us feel peace and love DESPITE our grief and heartache! Our Savior is there to wrap his arms around us during our deepest, darkest times, and literally help carry those burdens we face. I felt for the first time, after reading this, that I not only had permission to feel sadness and pain, but I would have help dealing with those feelings as well.
The Savior has said, “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die” (D&C 42:45). I have learned that grief is the price we pay for loving someone—and that the price is worth it. When loved ones pass away, they continue to be just as important to us as when they were with us. Because we love them, we can’t really expect to completely “get over” losing them.
Now, I knew that feeling grief and heartache was normal, necessary, and inevitable. However, I also knew that Christ could be there to lift my burdens! In The Book of Mormon, we learn, “Surely he has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows; yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.” (Isaiah 53: 4-5, see also Mosiah 14:4-5, The Book of Mormon) How could I access this power and feel some sort of peace? I was feeling so bombarded by these feelings of grief that I CRAVED some sort of peace again!
On the 4 month anniversary of my son’s passing, I was outside having a play date with my two- year-old son and some of our neighbors. Anniversaries were especially hard days and I was really feeling low this day. During the first hour we were outside, we had three different butterflies fly around us. I had the thought that maybe it was my sweet Joshua saying hi, but didn’t think much of it as spring was coming and butterflies were everywhere. However, toward the end of our visit, a HUGE monarch butterfly came and did three big circles around our little group! Not only was the size of the butterfly abnormal, but the actions were very uncharacteristic of butterflies! During its flight, I was overcome with the feeling of peace I had been craving…God was truly with me during my difficult time, and Christ was there to lift my burdens. I realized at that moment that the peace I had been craving had actually been with me the whole time. Our Savior had been with me from the very beginning, lifting my burdens! There was always and continues to be, even years later, an undercurrent of peace in my life when I think about my sweet boy.
The atonement of Jesus Christ is not just a way for us to repent of sinful acts we may have done (although, it is an important part of it). Our Savior’s experience in the garden and on the cross gives him the ability to strengthen us when we need it most! I love pondering this idea from Elder Tad R. Callister’s book, The Infinite Atonement:
“What weight is thrown on the scales of pain when calculating the hurt of innumerable hospitals? Now, add to that the loneliness of the elderly who are forgotten in the rest homes of society, desperately yearning for a card, a visit, a call-just some recognition from the outside world. Keep on adding the hurt of hungry children, the suffering caused by famine, drought, and pestilence. Pile on the heartache of parents who tearfully plead on a daily basis for a wayward son or daughter to come back home. Factor in the trauma of every divorce and the tragedy of every abortion. Add the remorse that comes with each child lost in the dawn of life, each spouse taken in the prime of marriage. Compound that with the misery of overflowing prisons, bulging halfway houses and institutions for the mentally disadvantaged. Multiply all this by the century after century of history, and creation after creation without end. Such is but an awful glimpse of the Savior’s load. Who can bear such a burden or scale such a mountain as this? No one, absolutely no one, save Jesus Christ, the Redeemer of us all.” (pg. 105)
I echo this sweet testimony from a modern day apostle, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin:
“Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.
“But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.
“No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.”
Our Savior’s atonement allows us to feel peace and joy, even during our darkest times of grief! I know that there are many women out there going through heartaches that are unimaginable to many. I challenge each of you to take some time in prayer and ask our Heavenly Father to help you feel the undercurrent of peace that comes when we reach to our Savior. I promise you, if you will open your heart, you will feel it. Our Savior loves you and wants to help lift your burdens. Turn to Him.
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